Funny Quotes

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“I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they mess up I will just hit them all at once.”
Author Unknown

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
Emo Philips

“My life needs editing.”
Mort Sahl

“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.”
Charles Wadsworth

“Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.”
Author Unknown

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.”
Albert Einstein

“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.”
Will Rogers

“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
Lana Turner

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey

“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin

“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.”
Steven Wright

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?”
Phyllis Diller

“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’”
Claude Pepper

“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.”
Winston Churchill

“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.”
Natalie Wood

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”
W. C. Fields

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
Steven Wright

“Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.”
Laurence J. Peter

“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.”
Oliver Herford

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams

“There’s no such thing as soy milk. It’s soy juice.”
Lewis Black

“My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: ‘What are you looking at?’”
Margaret Smith

“If at first you don’t succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.”
William Lyon Phelps

“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”
Johnny Carson

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
Earl Wilson

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
Bob Hope

“The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.”
George Jessel

“Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.”
Author Unknown

“Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!”
Author Unknown

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