*This was too good to not reprint here. My Dad sent it to me recently. Enjoy! –Moraldiplomat
The Cynical Philosopher…
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year.
Shouldn’t that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body; men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy and others who won’t cross the street to vote.
♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That’s your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
♦ Money talks. . . but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named ” Sag Harbor .”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today.
I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!
♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married.
Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard , Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single.
The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
Credit: My Dad, M.G. (Ret. USMC)
Awesome Dad! Thanks!!!!